He stayed in the chair trying to be respectful of her space. Amanda curled her legs into her chest as they talked. Brian was playing with her retractable iPod charger. He had a nervous habit that required him to always be doing something with his hands, twiddling his fingers or playing with something. He was rambling as usual about his favorite kind of beers.
They met at work eight months before. He was the shy ginger kid with the unkempt beard at the front desk. Then, suddenly, he was more. She saw right past the timid façade and when anyone would call him shy she laughed. She would notice his nervous ticks with other people but she never got that side of him, he was much more confident. One night he asked her out to a bar, “If only I were 21,” Amanda replied. Brian seemed disappointed by this fact but they kept talking. Hours of work wasted away with them at the desk not actually working until a manager would walk over.
He threw the PDA into the air and caught it as she leaned against the space next to the register. The store was closed and they were done with their duties all that was left now was to wait for the rest of their co-workers.
“What I would really like to do is open up my own bar.” Brian stated throwing the handheld machine around some more. “I would have some 30 odd beers on tap at all times.”
“Okay, what would you call it?” She asked turning her back against the counter with her elbows holding her weight up.
“Something ironic. I go back and forth on a few of them.” He shrugged. “My friend and I plan on buying a bar as practice before opening up our own. I really like beer so I thought why not do something with that.”
“Hey as long as you do something you enjoy.” Amanda smiled at him. “I have no plans to do something that I don’t like for the rest of my life.”
“I guess it’s either that or do taxes my whole life.” He said looking past her shoulder. “There’s Lisa.” Lisa was the closing manager. Brian made himself look busy while Amanda ducked behind the wall of a closet-type area for the guest service desk. Brian and Lisa talked about what all was left to be done over for a moment, and then she left to check on the sales floor. Amanda waited until Brian came to the back. “You’re clear and don’t worry, she definitely didn’t see you run in the most obvious direction.”
“I was clearly getting something for appeal.” Amanda smirked at him.
“For like 5 minutes? Yeah, sure, Amanda; that sounds reasonable.” He shook his head.
“Lisa loves me and you know it. She doesn’t care if I’m not working.”
“Watch you get written up for this.” Brian told her as he picked up playing with the PDA again.
“You get written up all the time and you haven’t been fired.” Amanda rolled her eyes at him.
“Because our bosses don’t give a shit about what I do anymore. I’m bro’s with our bosses. Sometimes they drink with me on my Saturday nights out.” He explained.
“Hey, speaking of which, the night I turn 21 I’m closing. So, at midnight when I’m officially legal, I was thinking about going out. Is it okay if I finally get to join you?” Amanda asked hopefully, fearful she’d made up him asking her out.
“Oh yeah. Sure that shouldn’t be a problem. Come out, it’ll be loads of fun. You’ll only have two hours but that’s should be plenty of time. I’m going to buy you some Saint Arnold’s. You’ll like it.”
The night of her birthday Amanda joined him at a bar down the road from where they worked. It could have been the night air or the Gin and Ginger ale, but, for whatever reason, her hand found his leg under the table. Brian didn’t move his leg or try to shake off her hand; he kept talking to his friends as if her fingers weren’t touching his inner thigh. And later when his fingers locked around hers’ neither complained, nor did they when he kissed her good night.
Now, they were alone in her dorm room a week after the bar. Brian ran his fingers over his mustache, brushing it out of the way of his upper lip as he rambled. She worried he was uncomfortable and that he wanted to leave or that he wouldn’t want to kiss her again. Amanda started to over think his behavior.
“I don’t want to end up in an office somewhere. I don’t think that life is for me.” Brian told her. “Crunching numbers for a big company and slowly dying on the inside.”
“You’ll have to shave your beard eventually.” She told him with a smirk. He gave her a look, clearly not wanting to be told what he already knew. He got out of the chair and sat down next to her on the bed.
“I will still have a better career than you, Creative Writing Major.” Brian nudged her with his shoulder.
“Maybe, but I won’t be crying myself to sleep after spending all day in a cubicle, hating every second of my life.” She retorted, unfazed by his joke. Amanda got it all the time and with Brian, she knew he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. He didn’t plan on doing much with his degree anyway; his goal is to own a bar. He kissed her as a way of saying touché. She grabbed the side of his face, pulling him with her as she lay back in the bed.
“I don’t want to pressure you.” He broke the kiss and rolled on to his side. “That’s not the kind of guy I am.” She giggled and kissed him again quickly.
“I invited you here. You’re not pressuring me.” He smiled down at her and kissed her again.
“I’m also very bad at making out. I don’t have a lot of-of practice.” Brian said nervously. Amanda shook her head.
“You’re doing fine.” She moved over making room in her twin sized bed for them to lie in each other’s arms. “We can just do this.” He laid his head on top of hers. Amanda started to speak this time but as he caressed her arm she wondered how long this would last.
“When I was eight, my parents split up. One day, my dad came by the house to talk to my mom. I guess it was the day they actually broke up. I remember she was outside for a long time so I went to find her. I guess I had good timing, because she was coming up to the house and kind of just collapsed. I hugged her and she told me, “He says he doesn’t love me anymore.” Amanda closed her eyes realizing she spoke without thinking. Realizing that she told him the event she could trace back all her issues too.
Brian wrapped his arm around her shoulder more tightly and pulled her into his chest more. He didn’t have to say anything and she didn’t want him to speak. They slowly fell asleep just like that.
She traced the side of his bare stomach, listening, and taking in every word he was saying. The wounds were opening, the blood from his past spilling out before her eyes. His hand caressed her hair, he stammered but kept going. His voice didn’t reveal sadness like hers would, it was a fact that he was sharing. Amanda looked up at him, resting her head on his shoulder.
“My mom and dad divorced when I was really young. I don’t ever remember them together and happy. My dad cheated on her with his current girlfriend. So my brother and I stayed with my mom. I must have been twelve or thirteen and Kalvin was about sixteen. I didn’t fully grasp what was happening at the time. Kalvin, on the other hand, took it very hard. He stopped paying attention in school; Mom was always in the principle’s office. Or she was picking him up from HPD. He just didn’t know how to handle the situation and I was too young too talk to about how he felt. I don’t think he had any friends that cared about his well-being.” He paused trying to phrase what he said next correctly. “I was the one that found him on the bathroom floor. I ran to the neighbors I was so scared. He wasn’t moving and for whatever reason Mom wasn’t home or maybe she was and I just didn’t want to worry her with more Kalvin drama.” Brian stopped talking to lock eyes with her, a rarity. He never let anyone in; never let them see this side of him. She reached up and grabbed a lock of his fiery hair.
“I’ve only told a few people that story,” he spoke softly, his hand moving to her shoulder. Amanda kissed him feeling him press his hand into her, trying to make her even closer to him than she was already.
“I feel honored.” She said after they broke the kiss, pressing their foreheads together. Brian sighed contently and his fingers found her hair again. They laid in the silence, the past hanging over them. The implications of what it meant for Brian to share with such a personal past. Their breathing timed evenly as both enjoyed the comforting silence. Eventually, Brian started talking again as he always did. He told her stories of his life before her; a few nights at the bar with his boys the ones they did talk about, his family, and any anecdote that happened to cross his mind.
Time wore on, and her eyes became harder and harder to keep open. Brian wrapped an arm around her chest to hold her in place against him. “Goodnight, Ms. Creative Writing Major.” He whispered, kissing her on the forehead. She mumbled an unintelligible reply before drifting off completely.
The red Netflix load screen flashed and Amanda nestled into his side as they waited for the loading bar to reach 100%. Brian wrapped his arm around her shoulders, resting his hand on her hair and petting her gently. The T.V. show finally loaded and began playing. She didn’t know what it was, just that it was one of his favorites and he had wanted her to like it. He did this with a lot of things he enjoyed, beer being at the top of the list. She always tried to like them but was honest when she hated something.
“So what is this?” She asked finally. Brian shook his head.
“It’s Arrested Development. You’ll like it I promise, just pay attention. I don’t think we can even be friends if you don’t like this show,” he explained to her, but she wasn’t paying attention. With her head on his chest the thump, thump, thump of his heartbeat against her ear she was only able pay attention to his pulse. She could smell the faint scent of his skin on his t-shirt.
Brian would chuckle at the T.V. every so often making her realize that she really hadn’t even watched it. She closed her eyes and focused on his heart. “You’re not watching this are you?”
“What makes you say that?” Amanda hugged him tightly around his chest. She wasn’t watching it. She was thinking about them. Worrying about when he would end it. That’s how it would ultimately happen, no other way; he would get tired of her and end it. At least, that’s what she was thinking about instead of watching.
“Because you’re not laughing.” He rubbed the back of her hair. “Do you not like this? Because if that’s the case I may have to ask you to leave.” Brian squeezed her shoulders telling her to stay.
“Mur!” She meowed like his roommate’s cat. It was their way of communicating when neither of them wanted to say words. Brian chuckled, rocking Amanda as his chest bobbled.
“What are you doing if you’re not watching this awesome show?” He asked rubbing the back of her hair. Amanda meowed again and he mur’ed back at her. He petted the top of her head. She couldn’t reveal her insecurity.
“Alright, I’ll pay attention.” She sat up a little more to see the T.V. screen better. This time he watched her instead of T.V. He was watching her smile at his favorite lines from the show. Half way through the episode he squeezed her shoulder again.
“I told you this was the best T.V. show ever made.”
“I don’t know about best ever made but this is pretty awesome! I just feel bad for poor George Michael.” She stuck out her bottom lip, pouting for the character’s misfortune.
“Yeah the kid doesn’t get the best breaks. He’s in love with his cousin and she won’t leave him alone. For what it’s worth, it’s her fault.” He raised his eyebrows as he spoke. “It’s always the girl’s fault when a guy falls in love with her.”
“How is that?” She turned to face him suddenly. “Girls fall in love first so therefore it’s your fault. You can’t blame girls for that!”
“Now you’re mad at me.” Brian raised his hands in defense.
“No, I’m not mad at you. You’ll know when I’m mad at you.” She explained to him. “But how is it the girl’s fault when a man falls in love with her? I agree it’s Maeby’s fault her cousin is in love with her but that’s not the point.”
“I’m trying to make you mad at me so I know what it looks like, so when I piss you off in public I’ll be prepared for it when we go back to the car.” He laughed lightly as she rolled her eyes at him.
“I’ll get silent and probably not look at you. You’ll be able to see it in my facial expression.” She tried to make the face. It wasn’t working out too well. Amanda was too happy, lying there with him watching Netflix, to even pretend she was anything else.
“Okay, duly noted.” Brian nodded with a smirk. “You’ll get mad at me someday, I have a knack for that kind of thing. I’m really a horrible person. You’ll figure that out soon enough.”
“No, you’re not.” She leaned over and kissed him. “You’re not a horrible human being. One day you’ll figure that out.”
“Are you sure, sweetheart?”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“Are you really sure?”
Inhale and eyes close. “Yes.” Exhale and lean in for another kiss. He wrapped his arms around her waist and flipped them over. Amanda was now on her back, her mind racing. Second doubts right before he unwrapped the condom. She took in another deep breath.
Brian kissed her neck giving her time to say no if she needed, too. She didn’t, nor did she want to stop.
Later, he held her in his arms, caressing her back. Their breathing evened in time. She closed her eyes, listening to the sweet sound of silence in the air around them. The peaceful atmosphere engulfed them like a blanket securing them together in one thought of bliss. Amanda vaguely wondered how long this could last for them yet again. She tired to push away the thought. Every other relationship she’d experienced always had an end. She didn’t want this to end but it would eventually just as everything else she knew. She tried not to dwell on this thought but it came back over and over again.
Now more so than ever, she feared that it would conclude. She nestled her face into his chest, to cast away the doubt. “Just be blindly happy.” Her best friend told her. So that’s what she tried to be: blindly happy.
She lay in bed, head buried in the pillow. It took her three months to do it, but Brian was gone. Finally, pushed too far away to want to come back. Amanda let out a sob of fear. Her feelings scared her; it was as if she was open on the operating table, exposed and awake. What if she actually fell in love with the operation and the surgeon moved on. Amanda had to sow herself back up before the damage was done. Three months.
The scent of his skin lingered on her sheets. It dizzied her with memories; all at once they flooded her mind. The first time he’d said hello to the last goodbye.
“Why are you mad at me?” He asked her as they walked out of the bar. Half way through the night she shut down. Head turned with a mile long stare she barely spoke a word rest of the evening.
“It doesn’t matter. I’m not mad at you! I’m just upset. It’s fine.” Amanda shrugged. “I’m just being insecure.” Brian grabbed her hand, he sighed sadly. His look pleaded with her.
“You’re upset with me. What did I do?” Amanda shook her head, no. “How can I fix this if I don’t know what I did wrong?” He squeezed her hand. Drunken girls clinging to their boyfriends and girlfriends kept walking past them. It was 2 a.m. they all had to leave. Amanda watched the stream of people dwindle down. “Tell me, please.”
“Do you even care about me? Do I matter to you at all?” His face changed as she asked the questions.
“Of course-“
“No. You haven’t even told your friends in there about me. You talk about them all the time with your endless stories. Here I am, dating you and sleeping with you, yet you can’t tell your best friends that you have a girlfriend.” She pulled her hand away from his as they spoke. Fingers slipping away from his, he tried to grip them but she was too angry.
“No. I meant to tell them. I don’t want to tell them in front of you. Nor, do I like telling people things that are none of their business. We are no one else’s business.” He tried to explain quickly.
“Or you’re just waiting for the right time to leave me and letting your friends know we’re together just makes it messier.” She licked her lips and pushed past him.
“What do you want from me?” Brian yelled at her as she kept walking in the direction of her car. “Amanda!” She ignored him. “You can’t put these insecurities on me and these expectations that I’m going to hurt you!” She paused in the middle of the parking lot. “It’s not fair to me that you can’t stop comparing me to your past. Eventually, you are going to have to stop running. Stop quitting when things get rough.” Amanda swallowed the hard lump in her throat and turned to look at him one last time.
“I’m not running or quitting, I’m giving you the out. Go. As you say, I’m insecure and fearful. So leave, because I am. I’m done, Brian.”
Amanda’s phone was off now. She didn’t want to know if Brian would try to contact her.
She’d been alone, crying for hours now, replaying the three months of her life she’d spent with Brian. Then the months leading up to they’re dating. Somewhere in between, she’d fallen in love with him. Alone and scared, Amanda always felt better off without anyone. Before Brian, she’d been single for three years. She’d made a conscious decision to like people whom she knew wouldn’t reciprocate her feelings. Yet he found his way in, real feelings were formed. It was only logical to her to get out before things got bad and she would get hurt more than she was now. Closing her eyes though she could still feel his weight on her, feel him pressing his lips into her, and his hand in her hair. She would be haunted for a long time.
